It's been a Long Time...

So it has been a long time indeed. Almost 3 years of no blogging.. wow.. now that is insane.

Where has time gone?!! Clearly out the window.

It is hard to believe that it has been two years since I graduated from Dal. 2 years since I have been in Halifax. I am starting to get Halifax sick. :( I know that I am beyond overdue for a visit. I am slowly starting to realise that I was definitely alot more happier when I was there....

Ever since I have come home, it was been one rollercoaster of a ride. I have purged myself of friendships that are not worth saving and I have surrounded myself with friends who I know will lift me up and will be positive influences in my life.

Things have finally to an end.. or lack there of with " Bob". I would be lying to myself if I didn't say that I am far from happy with the outcome. I never got any closure and I never will. How can I ever get over him... when I was never given the chance to say my real feelings. Now I have to deal with those unresolved feelings.... and find someway, somehow, to get over "my favourite mistake".

The person who I loved more than life itself- caused me so much pain YET i am not over him.

There needs to a billion miles between him and I before I can remotely even begin to get over him. It is hard to go to certain places and NOT think about him. I barely tolerate breathing the same air as him cuz if i did, i would be like a water damn and just break down.

I am still restless on what to do with my life. I am starting to give up on my dream of being a teacher. I just seem to be hitting alot of roadblocks... however..I still hanging on by a thread. Hopefully something pans out.. I need some happiness... and lots of it.

I am overdue.

2009.. my year

2009 is here in full swing!
oh my!
I am still digesting the fact that 2008 is over and out.
2009 for me is gonna be the year that I can take better care of myself and put my needs and wants 1st.
I can't be the best friend, daughter, grand daughter, niece, cousin, student etc.. if i don't start taking better care of myself:

#1- I am not going dwell on negative things
#2- I am not gonna feel bad about expressing how i feel or what i need
#3-I am going to start journalling again and organise my thoughts.
#4-I am going to be more honest where I am at..
#5 I am not going to tolerate one sided friendships anymore and I am going to be more assertive!
#6. Most importantly I am gonna to do what makes ME happy and no one else.


I know that my passion lies with children and I am going to become to best teacher and mentor that I can be. No matter what I have to endure or overcome to get there.. I WILL become teacher.
It has been a hard and long struggle with this French degree.. some days I love French and some days- I just don't want to hear another word of French.
It is quite the rocky relationship French and I are having at ce moment!
oh mon dieu!
But only 3 more months of French to go. There is some saving grace in that..

2009.. is also gonna be the year where I finally gain the courage and the strength to let
"Bob" go..
I can't do it anymore.. it hurts too much...
Someway, Somehow.. I am gonna find a way.. to let him go and most of all: stop loving him.. and take all the love and pour into something or someone else that is way more deserving of it...

yes folks.. 2009 is gonna be MY year..

Don't attempt the impossible

I am slowly starting to come to the conclusion : somethings are just not meant to be.
It is time for me to step out of my one side " relationship" and
acknowledge the fact that he will never love or care for me the way
that i want him to.

You just can't make someone love you, no matter what you do or say...
they either love you or they don't.
It is just a part of life that we all have to deal with.... primarily ME.

I definitely know what my heart feels for him.. but his heart doesn't feel the same.. and i can't make IT feel the way that I want it too.


" You can't make your heart feel something that it wouldn't..."- SO PAINFUL TRUE...

A song by Bonnie Raitt pretty much sums up this blog post-
it is called " I Can't Make You Love Me"- oh the dramatic, yet painful irony

[Chorus:]'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.'
Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

Food for thought

I saw this on friend's wall and thinks that it is has significiant meaning. It definitely sums of some of my feelings at the moment. It definitely puts things into perspective and makes me wonder and ponder what is going in my own life.
There is not much else to say- it pretty much sums itself up


People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may cheat you; be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.


If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyways.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
give the world the best you have anyways.


You see, in the final analysis, all of this is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

school blues...// matters of the heart

school blues....

It amazes me how fast the time goes by and how it almost the middle of the month! yikes!
Someway, Somehow, I managed to make it through 3 midterms, 2 presentations and French dictee this week! How I managed not want to dig myself an early grave is a miracle.
Now as it is the end of a gruelling school week, I am absolutely EXHAUSTED!!
I think that I have earned the right to sit around and do nothing for a few days!


I have been wallowing in a pool of uncertainity... i have been struggling whether I made the right decision choosing french as my major. I literally dreaded going to class and feeling like an utter failure.. I am slowly to starting to feel better.. but there is still some doubt in my mind.. Hopefully I can overcome those feelings of feeling inadequate soon...


MATTERS OF THE HEART

" Bob" and I have been friends for so long that I have lost count. I have liked him almost as long as we have been friends. I have tried to keep my feelings at bay, but that hasn't worked out too well. They seem to resurface when I least expect them to and don't want to deal with them.

I have been the most supportive friend that i can be... but that often involves me giving up a piece of myself everytime that he lets me down. I am always forever forgiving and forever loyal, but now HOW forgiving and loyal can I be, when my heart is on the line....

I try to act like it doesn't hurt when we don't talk or see each other... but I know that the only person that I am kidding is MYSELF. I have tried to walk away many times from him and our friendship cuz i can't take any more; yet I find myself lured back in every time. I just can't seem to let him go... Some people will say that I am a sucker for punishment and I probably am..... but it is hard to let go...

as one friend put it..." Sammy- he is so your favorite mistake" and indeed he is....

4 down 4 to go!

Time is flying and I am in awe!!
Where is my summer going?!!
Week 4 of camp is already over... 4 more weeks to go!!

One group of kids went off camping at Cultus Lake with majority of the leaders and my boss. They had a great time from the stories that they have told me and the excitement that was quite evident on their faces from what I observed:)
One of the kids as soon as he saw me ran to me and jumped into my arms and told me that he had a great time and how he missed me. That really made my heart swell.
A group of the boys that i work with eagerly gathered around me to recount their stories of the week!!

I stayed back in town to run base camp. It give me a good opporunity to hangout with the younger kids. We had lots of fun. They were so silly and fill of energy!!! They definitely made me laugh and I am glad that I got to spend some quality time with them:)Overall it was a good week. Now that it is Saturday- I am realising just how tired I really am!!
I know that I probably should be doing some productive and making the most of the weekend- but would it be so wrong to sleep ALL weekend!! I think not!!

SUMMER TIME!!!

I can't believe that it is already July 5th!! Where has the time GONE?!?!!
Before I know it, I will be on a plane heading back to Halifax!!

Camp has now gotten underway! The 1st week of camp went well. The kids and my staff seems to have a good time! That is the most important thing:) Before I know it, Camp will be over!!! Ok- I know that I am getting abit ahead of myself! But I know that the time will fly by.. like it always does!! I had a good time at the pool with the campers yesterday:) A group of them enjoyed splashing me and throwing balls at me..lol They definitely wanted my undivided attention...lol. We went berry picking in Langley this week:) The campers had fun picking strawberries- which they later made jam with:) yum yum!

The weather has been FINALLY looking up in Vancouver! It has been REALLY hot! I can finally work on my tan!! LOL!! yes.... I do tan.. LOL

It has been nice catching up with friends... and i really wish that I had more time to spend with people!!! The days aren't long ENOUGH!!! I don't think that I have seen nearly all the people that i have wanted to!! Oh well... I still have 2 months!!!


for now.. today.. I am gonna take it easy... get my hair did and my nails!!:) and meet up with my best friend from elementary school!!:)