Don't attempt the impossible

I am slowly starting to come to the conclusion : somethings are just not meant to be.
It is time for me to step out of my one side " relationship" and
acknowledge the fact that he will never love or care for me the way
that i want him to.

You just can't make someone love you, no matter what you do or say...
they either love you or they don't.
It is just a part of life that we all have to deal with.... primarily ME.

I definitely know what my heart feels for him.. but his heart doesn't feel the same.. and i can't make IT feel the way that I want it too.


" You can't make your heart feel something that it wouldn't..."- SO PAINFUL TRUE...

A song by Bonnie Raitt pretty much sums up this blog post-
it is called " I Can't Make You Love Me"- oh the dramatic, yet painful irony

[Chorus:]'Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't.
Here in the dark
In these final hours,I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power;
But you won't.
No, you won't.'
Cuz I can't make you love me
If you don't.

Food for thought

I saw this on friend's wall and thinks that it is has significiant meaning. It definitely sums of some of my feelings at the moment. It definitely puts things into perspective and makes me wonder and ponder what is going in my own life.
There is not much else to say- it pretty much sums itself up


People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may cheat you; be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.


If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyways.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
give the world the best you have anyways.


You see, in the final analysis, all of this is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

school blues...// matters of the heart

school blues....

It amazes me how fast the time goes by and how it almost the middle of the month! yikes!
Someway, Somehow, I managed to make it through 3 midterms, 2 presentations and French dictee this week! How I managed not want to dig myself an early grave is a miracle.
Now as it is the end of a gruelling school week, I am absolutely EXHAUSTED!!
I think that I have earned the right to sit around and do nothing for a few days!


I have been wallowing in a pool of uncertainity... i have been struggling whether I made the right decision choosing french as my major. I literally dreaded going to class and feeling like an utter failure.. I am slowly to starting to feel better.. but there is still some doubt in my mind.. Hopefully I can overcome those feelings of feeling inadequate soon...


MATTERS OF THE HEART

" Bob" and I have been friends for so long that I have lost count. I have liked him almost as long as we have been friends. I have tried to keep my feelings at bay, but that hasn't worked out too well. They seem to resurface when I least expect them to and don't want to deal with them.

I have been the most supportive friend that i can be... but that often involves me giving up a piece of myself everytime that he lets me down. I am always forever forgiving and forever loyal, but now HOW forgiving and loyal can I be, when my heart is on the line....

I try to act like it doesn't hurt when we don't talk or see each other... but I know that the only person that I am kidding is MYSELF. I have tried to walk away many times from him and our friendship cuz i can't take any more; yet I find myself lured back in every time. I just can't seem to let him go... Some people will say that I am a sucker for punishment and I probably am..... but it is hard to let go...

as one friend put it..." Sammy- he is so your favorite mistake" and indeed he is....

4 down 4 to go!

Time is flying and I am in awe!!
Where is my summer going?!!
Week 4 of camp is already over... 4 more weeks to go!!

One group of kids went off camping at Cultus Lake with majority of the leaders and my boss. They had a great time from the stories that they have told me and the excitement that was quite evident on their faces from what I observed:)
One of the kids as soon as he saw me ran to me and jumped into my arms and told me that he had a great time and how he missed me. That really made my heart swell.
A group of the boys that i work with eagerly gathered around me to recount their stories of the week!!

I stayed back in town to run base camp. It give me a good opporunity to hangout with the younger kids. We had lots of fun. They were so silly and fill of energy!!! They definitely made me laugh and I am glad that I got to spend some quality time with them:)Overall it was a good week. Now that it is Saturday- I am realising just how tired I really am!!
I know that I probably should be doing some productive and making the most of the weekend- but would it be so wrong to sleep ALL weekend!! I think not!!

SUMMER TIME!!!

I can't believe that it is already July 5th!! Where has the time GONE?!?!!
Before I know it, I will be on a plane heading back to Halifax!!

Camp has now gotten underway! The 1st week of camp went well. The kids and my staff seems to have a good time! That is the most important thing:) Before I know it, Camp will be over!!! Ok- I know that I am getting abit ahead of myself! But I know that the time will fly by.. like it always does!! I had a good time at the pool with the campers yesterday:) A group of them enjoyed splashing me and throwing balls at me..lol They definitely wanted my undivided attention...lol. We went berry picking in Langley this week:) The campers had fun picking strawberries- which they later made jam with:) yum yum!

The weather has been FINALLY looking up in Vancouver! It has been REALLY hot! I can finally work on my tan!! LOL!! yes.... I do tan.. LOL

It has been nice catching up with friends... and i really wish that I had more time to spend with people!!! The days aren't long ENOUGH!!! I don't think that I have seen nearly all the people that i have wanted to!! Oh well... I still have 2 months!!!


for now.. today.. I am gonna take it easy... get my hair did and my nails!!:) and meet up with my best friend from elementary school!!:)

I wish...

I wish that my dreams could become a reality and not merely a figment of my imagination.
I wish that something could finally go my way...
I wish that I had the courage to go after what I really want.... and not be so afraid..
and not drowning in a pool of regrets and self pity...

Why aren't there more hrs in the day?!

I am up early again for the millionth time! I guess the idea of sleeping in is overrated!!
I am sure that the reason why I can't sleep is because I have too many things to do!!!
As it is dawning on me that it is already MONDAY !!! and I am leaving Friday morning!!
I still have PACK, STUDY, CLEAN and SEE FRIENDS!

How am I gonna do that in such a short space of time!?! I don't know!!
I am about to have a freakout- like one of my friends when she realised that i was leaving on FRIDAY!!
Maybe I just won't sleep for the next few days.. and then maybe.. just maybe I can see everyone that i wanna see and FINISH all the things that i NEED to do.. MAYBE!

Sick:(

I am sick and it sucks:(
I still have an essay to write and 2 more exams to study for!!
ugh!!
The only good thing about being sick is that I don't have to cook!! lol
My roomie has been cooking and taking good care of me!
And for that I am happy.. she rocks!

I have a craving for homemade soup... where is my dad when i need him?!!:(
*SIGH*
I wish that i could just curl up in my bed.. but i can't.. it is exam period:(
Kleenex, vitamins, buckley's and oj are gonna be my best friends till I am better.

*sigh*

Tomorrow is the last day of classes.. thank goodness!
Although I am relieved... I am still anxious!
I still have a french literature essay to write and 2 exams!
and there is still the question burning into my head- what am i gonna do for the summer?
I don't think that I can approach that matter.. till school is done!
Too much things floating in this old brain!!

I am craving sunshine, relaxation and coffee dates!!
I am especially missing my bi weekly coffee dates with Nad!
*Sigh*
oh well... soon being home will be a reality not a figment of my imagination!

I wish that someone could some of my decisions for me.. that would make my life so much easier!!


I miss the simplier times.. like my time in France and spending time with my girls..
*sigh*
I have been missing them more and more lately..
*sigh*

*So Done*

I am totally not motivated.. can't it be summer already?!!
*Sigh*
Still no word from the imfamous best friends.. wow.. what a surprise!
Boy didn't see that one coming( Note the sacarsm).

I am finding it really intriuging that people that I haven't talked to in a while.. are now emailing me and wondering why i haven't been in touch!!
hmm.. I WONDER WHY?!!
boy it amazes me how clueless some ppl REALLY are!!
Maybe the guilt is settling in and the reality that I am not just not doing it anymore!!
I have had enough!!
I am so done - stick a fork in me!!

thoughts picking at my brain!

Part One: School Ending/ Summer

The semester at school is quickly coming to an end. For that I am happy- I am ready for this school year to be over!! I have no idea what I should be doing this summer. Usually I am pretty secure in my job selection BUT this year not so sure. This could be due to the fact that I would rather be somewhere BUT Vancouver. But with my sister graduating from highschool this yr- that is not an option. I need to be home. *sigh*

Part 2: FRIENDSHIPS
I am tired of being the one that cares and the only wants to make them work. Frankly I am just plain tired! This year I made a decision that I am not calling ppl frequently , not sending updates, not sending postcards or letters. My feelings are what is the point?!! They are not appreciated and the favor is not return. Before I would have gotten mad and felt sad, but now I just have stopped feeling or caring. They don't care, why should I?!
Why should I cry another tear when they are clearing not crying about me. NOPE!
SORRY!
And i realised that Best friends aren't what they are cracked up to be!!!
They are uncapable of returning phone calls, emails, facebook messages etc! I have been more than patient! The GRACE PERIOD IS OVER!
FYI: BEING BUSY IS NOT AN EXCUSE!! EVERYONE IS BUSY AND SUGGESTING THAT YOU ARE MORE BUSY IS NOT ONLY RUDE BUT INSULTING!!
IF YOU CARED, YOU WOULD MAKE THE TIME!!
I MAKE THE TIME!!
BUT MY TIME AND PATIENCE HAS RAN OUT!!

I know that I am not that forgetable.. and i know that i deserve to be treated better!!

Lent 2008

It is hard to believe that it is Lent already. It seems like it was just Christmas. For the first time in a long time, I was able to go to Ash Wednesday mass. I was amazed by the turnout of people at mass. It was great to see.

The question that has been the topic starter for the past few days: " What did you give up for Lent?"
This year I had no idea what I was gonna give up. Last year, I gave up chocolate and that was very hard considering I was living in Europe and surrounded by the world's best chocolate!
It was a struggle but I MADE IT!

I have given up coffee on numerous occasions besides Lent. I knew that giving it was not in the cards. Coffee is an necessity for me during the school year. It is a staple!!

I had some friends make some suggestions to me but I knew that the decision ultimately had to be mine. I finally decided on something. It was staring me right in the face for the longest time, but I just didn't want to face it. I knew that I had to give that up so that I could have some peace of mind and concentrate my efforts on something else.

I don't feel the need to share what I am giving up this Lenten season. That is between me and God and that is all that matters.

I know there will be times when I will struggle and I will fall down, but God will help me right back up. No matter what we have done, he will always be there, right there waiting for us with open arms.

It reminds me of the song by Donnie Mcclurkin "We Fall Down"

We fall down
But we get up
We fall down
But we get up
We fall down
But we get up
For a saint is just a sinner who fell down,
but we couldn't stay there,
and got up(repeat)
Get back up again (6x)
For a saint is just a sinner who fell down
and got up

I will hold onto those words this Lenten season and know that God has my back.

Dying.. what an awful thought

I have been plagued by thoughts of dying lately. I don't what is going.. I think that it has to do with the fact that ppl in my age group are dying. I know that it is something that will eventually happen later .I am just afraid that dying will eventually happen sooner and then later.
It has been giving me uneasy feelings.. I just hope they go away soon...

Ugh!

Sometimes i wonder if i am being really honest with myself and my feelings.
Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing.. *Sigh*
It is very frustrating.. especially when you think that your mind is made up and then you are hit with an cold dose of reality.
ugh!!

New Year.. Fresh Start

It amazes me how quickly 2007 went by. For the most part, it was good. I got to fillfull a dream of mine that I wanted to do for so long- Go to France:) My exchange really put things into perspective. I got to meet some GREAT ppl and make incredible friends. Opportunities like that don't come around often. When I went home, it was like a part of me was missing. The ppl that I had come accustom to having with me , were no longer there. We were part of a big puzzle and all my pieces were missing- aka my close friends from the exchange.

I quickly jumped back into work. No time to really process my feelings about being home. I think that I kept myself busy to avoid realising how much I missed my friends and how I much I had changed. I wasn't the same person that I was when I left in September. I was stronger person. You would have to be after all the stuff that I encountered during my year abroad.
The even yrs never seem to be good for me.. The end of 2006 brought the death of my beloved grandma, the death of my great uncle, an aunt and uncle in the hospital. Not exactly the best things in my life.

I thought that 2007 would end on a better note.. but it didn't. My mom was sick with an ear infection and my dad fell and broke 4 ribs the weekend before i came home for Christmas. 2007 also marked the 1st yr anniversary of my grandma's death and the death of my aunt who had cancer.

Here we are in 2008, I am in need of a fresh start. I want 2008 to be the beginning of new life, growth and beauty. I want things to start looking up and be able to see all the positive things that are surrounding me. As I gaze out my window, grateful that it is the weekend and that I can regroup... Here's hoping to a fresh start and beginning of endless possibilites & opportunities and lots of love and friends and family to go along with it.